I am a Gator. I spent my last two years of undergrad at the University of Florida. Those two years, the Gators have had their worst football season is over 40 years, fired a head coach, had about 3,473 wide receivers coaches, ran the ball on, give or take, 584,929 too many 3rd-and-longs, kicked roughly 1,733 too many 20-yard field goals when we should’ve just ran the fucking ball with one of the best defenses in the country. WE WOULD’VE HAD THEM PINNED INSIDE THE FIVE, MUSCHAMP.
All that being said, our basketball team went to the Final Four two years ago, then Billy D left us for Durant and Westbrook. The softball team and gymnastics team won national championships multiple years in a row. Baseball and soccer are decent. All in all, being a Gator is hard. Like, really fucking hard. Nevertheless, life’s motto is still “Go Gators.” You know, “in all types of weather.” Go Gators.
UF and Gator fans abroad are in this weird period where everyone knows “Go Gators” is all we need, but we don’t exactly say it. The two teams, football and basketball, we’re known for (and the only teams most people outside of North Central Florida judge our relevance by) aren’t doing well. Still, Go Gators. But right now, it’s not our time to brag. Go Gators, but we can’t boast. Our offensive linemen block each other. Our running backs poop their pants. We allow opening kickoff touchdowns on our home field on Homecoming. The Lord and Savior Tebow Christ hasn’t done a damn thing in the NFL outside of throwing for 316 yards and winning a playoff game for the Broncos. Okay, maybe he has done something. I’m sorry, Tebow. Riley Cooper, a got damn cold-blooded racist, is still in the league making millions. Aaron Hernandez killed more people than games we get nationally televised at this point.
That’s why I don’t know what to do with myself. A man named Lawyer Mike, like me, believes in “Go Gators.” But what Lawyer Mike doesn’t get is it’s not our time. He made a rap video called “Gator Haters – Hear This.” He bragged about all the accomplishments the football team has made, the three national championships and eight SEC titles in the last 25 years. We’re one of the better programs in college football over the last 25 years. BUT NOT RIGHT NOW, MIKE.
WE DON’T HAVE A LEGITIMATE QUARTERBACK. THINK DRISKEL SUCKED? WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE WHAT THE OFFENSIVE LINE MAKES TREON HARRIS OR WILL “BIG WILLY STYLE” GRIER LOOK LIKE. FOR GOD SAKE, OUR OWN WEBSITE WANTS YOU TO SEE THE PEOPLE ON OUR DEFENSE BEFORE YOU SEE OUT OFFENSE.
Lawyer Mike (who actually is a fucking lawyer), not now. GO GATORS, but like, chill man. We’re the best team in the nation, but we don’t vocalize that thought right now.
Before you watch the atrocity below, just know this: Go Gators. This is so rough. Shout out to SB Nation on this find.