Sometimes (read: all the time), when I wake up, I’m not in the greatest of moods. I mean, does anybody really enjoy waking up? A good, coma-esque sleep is not only one of the best things ever, it’s literally essential to our very lives. Anybody who tells me that they’re #TeamNoSleep or whatever, to me, is probably down with the enemy and should never be trusted.
But I digress.
I may not enjoy the process of waking up, but at least I can take solace in the fact that, as of this piece, I can wake up in my own bed and in my own bedroom. Because for all the idiotic things I did when I was younger and wilder, I could easily be sharing a cell with
Baul Blart Young Thug and/or the slingshot master himself, DMX right now.
For whatever reason – be it an odd coincidence or Buddha’s way of telling a joke – both Thugger Thugger and The Only Earl That Matters are currently sitting in the clink today. This morning, Young Thug was bagged for an “outstanding warrant charging him with terroristic threats” for an incident on July 7th which involved him threatening to kill a mall cop.
Let’s think about this for a second.
Mall cops are quite possibly the most harmless officers on the face of the planet, next to meter maids and those old security guards that patrol, like, a YMCA or something. Far be it from me to actually befriend or defend a member of any kind of policing organization (that’s never going to happen, for obvious reasons), but vowing to inflict mortal wounds on a mall cop is the equivalent of dating Ciara and not chopping her – especially this – down. Like, why? Either way, Thug’s seemingly innocuous request to hand out a fade now has him currently sharing questionable living quarters at the DeKalb County jail in Georgia, after some of the U.S. Marshals Southeast Regional Fugitive Task Forcetaken’s finest paid him a visit this morning.
Meanwhile, the media and society tried to label Dylann Roof massacring nine innocent Black people in a church a “senseless act of violence” and not what it actually is: domestic terrorism, a hate crime, and capital murder all wrapped in one. But this piece isn’t for that kind of commentary.
UPDATE (7/16): Looks like he’s is in even more trouble than we first thought. According to TMZ, Thugger has also been hit with felony drug and weapons charges, after authorities raided his Atlanta home and found cocaine, marijuana and guns. And if that wasn’t enough, Thug’s also been named in an indictment surrounding the attempt on Lil Wayne’s life back in April. Sheesh.
Then, just a short plane ride away in Buffalo, NY, the Dark Man X – who has such an intense relationship with jail that it was a key scene in Chris Rock’s last movie Top Five – was sentenced to six months in jail for a myriad of reasons, from owing $400,000 in back child support to being named a suspect in a robbery.
At this point everything that has been said about DMX and jail has been written countless times over, so I’m just going to distract you with this trapped-out version of the theme song from the Disney Junior cartoon Little Einsteins instead for 60 seconds.
So, what’s the moral of this long-winded and pointless diatribe? That I really shouldn’t complain so much about waking up from sleep, because at least the person I’d share my bed with wouldn’t be assigned to me by the Feds.